Dates:
>14.02.24>13.02.24>09.02.24>08.02.24>07.02.24>06.02.24>02.02.24>01.02.24>31.01.24>30.01.24>17.01.24>08.11.23>21.10.23>20.10.23>06.06.23>04.12.22>02.06.23>03.12.22>15.04.23>1.12.22>21.03.23>30.11.22>10.03.23>05.10.22>14.02.23>19.09.22>23.01.23>03.09.22>19.01.23>03.08.22>30.12.22>26.07.22>29.12.22>25.07.22>15.12.22>24.07.22>13.12.22>22.07.22

06/11/24
Day was amazing and fun and good in general and i got gifts from my partner,but night is promising to be lonely sad and full of self hatred. My hands are trembling i exprienced anger sadness and all of that in same time im tired,but i want to finish a thing i strted making for my partner even tho things are not going well. I dont know when youll read this im sorry. and i wont check it for mistakes i know they are there but its not the point.Please focus on whats happening now and not past even if its importnant too, i think whats going on now is more important and if well keep looking back our present wont be good wahtever happens. i dont know what to do with past i hate myself
im embarrassed to open our chat im sorry if youll go sleep alone, u have my goodnight in advance i apologise
My mom makes everything worse because she got awfully drunk and shes touching me much i hate her touch and shes acting stupid and is swearing at me i cant be happy even one single day every time wahtever i do something will come up and make a day bad im loosing my hope at this point
update 30 mins later i couldnt finish a thing i was making i cant stop thinking and it makes everything hard to do im too scared abd tired i feel sick so yeah i was working hard on it for few hours but i feel like i do it useless i dont like it anymore

03/11/24
Hiiii.Today not much text, just some photos. Art which i didnt upload for some reason, or sketches which i'll never finish.



28/10/24
Hi. In general - good day. Classes were exhausting, Russian lesson was pretty intense since teacher could ask anyone randomly and i had no notes about what we were discussing. For next monday i indeed should prepare better...Classmate liked my earrings, ig they were visible because i wore a ponytail.And someone in bus let me take their seat, or otherwise id had to stand in a crowded bus for next 30 mins. Appreciate it, didnt even see who it was and it wouldnt change anything anyway. During a day I wanted to turn down my idea about job once againT-T... But i try to keep myself collected, and i think that way, that i feel most anxious abt job when im generaly tired. Once im awake and full of energy it usually passes. No promises tho, i may change my mind again...But working would be better for me tho, i do NOTHING during a day anyways.Also played stardew valley with partner once again but sadly not for long, we'll need to play moreeee.BUT i finally got a casino ticket in game, it was my big goal lmao. SoRrYYYyyyy.
Getting ready to eep, tomorrow must be less stressful. OH WAIT AND YES, as i mentioned yesterday, i BOUGHT AND ATE onion rings :9 yummy yummy, my stomach did hurt tho. Still worth it. And currently im most engaged into "8:11" novel/game, and "Mouthwashing" game. Luv Daisuke.Gonna kinn him hard if i get a ftreaking jobbb.
Thats all for now, goodnighty i need to wake up in 5 hours, damn.

27/10/24
Haiiii!!! Finally a nice not TOO short update. And even finally something positive!(after what im gonna tell next T-T) Here's a thing i made for my partner as an apology cause i fcked up pretty badly.I will always cherish moments with you and im grateful that you still believe in me whatever happens. Only you can help me get away from bad habits and lead me to a better life, together. Im sorry that you get hurt while teaching me how to love. I'll try better.
I have an idea about creating pets page once again,with all those spiders and resin stuff, and now dead pets i used to have. I play stardew valley much last weeks, less genshin. But i neeeeed to play againnnn, i miss these freaking wings LK gifted me T-T. Also im planning on applying for job this Wednesday, but uhhh parents already made fun of me for that, like, you know my anxiety issues, why dont support me first!!!But i'll see, maybe i'll change my mind as i always do. If not, it's going to be a new experience. Wish me luck ig.
And about tomorrow, before classes im gonna spend some time at Burger King eating and eating and eating and then i'll rush to uni. YES i already want to eat, i didnt eat properly today!!!Ok ok i need to go and play a bit more before i go to sleep. Goodluck, stay safe, thank you for reading :)

26/10/24
-_-when will this hell end

24/10/24
felt bad,vent sketch. Had a dream where i was drowning.

15/10/24
Ig im doing something wrong again idk what but nothing goes right
good thing classmate liked my drawing which is below, yet everytime i feel like it was said out of pity, her art is perfect tbh

13/10/24
Day was ehh im tired


06/10/24
Wow, i haven't updated for a while
At FIRST i played a LOT last days, mostly alone. But I remember the best when i play together with my special someone, and it's really fun playing together im sorry that i reluctantly agreed on it -_-. These weekends are memorable because of it and i finally start feeling things i felt far ago, happy happyyyy. AND YES GUYS i finally got Kinich..i mentioned him here just 3 times, but believe me, i needed him.
Ohh and..yk...spiders. I caught a green one and it'll go to resin 10000%%%. I'll show it later ig it's not so important right now.
AND NOW.. BEHOLD, the screenshots I have meticulously made during my gaming endeavors, bearing witness to the boundless glory and magnificence of the digital realm with my dearest companion alongside me!!!!!!(am i too dramatic?)
alsooo just look how shyly we got closer on second pic.. awww..



28/09/24
I did a lot today. Art god possessed me and i finished 1 full art, did a few sketches, almost done with a second full art. I have a history test on Monday and lets say hypotheeetically im supposed to prepare for it, but nahhhh. I nono wanna not in this life. New history teacher rushes material, does weird time skips which confuse me and i cant connect what we already learnt with new info, it sucks. I also played genshin again for a while, mostly just collected gifts lmao. Yesterday and this evening im dr-nk, but i control myself good so dw, not even whisky makes me drunk XD.
Also, spider counter! 2 new spiders!!!!!! One i met...i dont remember where yesterday, and one today outside. Outside one was pretty, brown, not black like those who live in my house. The one i found at home yesterday curled up when i was trying to catch her. She eventually fell right on my hand!!! Adorable, she was very scared. SHE, probably, cause her pedipalps werent much visible.
I hope ill be able to finish as much stuff as i can tomorrow. Goodnight, thanks for being here. AH YES AND ill UPLOAD ONE DRAWING, im proud of it for now, these are "ocean terror" characters, how i see them :). And i changed nickname i use for art again..im growing..


26/09/24
I had so much happening this week but now idk what to start from and what exactly i promised to tell T-T. Ik i said "ill update site tomorrow" and not two days later......nvm
Ok at first about uni. I LOVE Spanish and we have a new awesome teacher from Ecuador.When he speaks Russian his words are much softer than they should be because of accent, its nice. I didnt like last teacher that much, but previous one was a woman and i liked her voice lol. New teacher finally gives us USEFUL homework, we study a lot and its not hard, its fun with him. But on second lesson i cant get more information and im almost always half asleep 0:).This week was pretty easy because my mom had an apportunity to ride me to uni and sometimes back, life is much better without public transport.
I didnt hang out with anyone, spent time mostly at home. I almost dont feel anxious at all.
No spiders were found this week, too bad!! If i get any more ideas on what to tell ill add smth else. All for now, rest well.

22/09/24
I cried a lot today.

it's ok i was just cutting onions XP

21/09/24
I let insects crawl on me more often recently.I love to rescue spiders from our house XP. Its cute how theyre more scared of people than we are scared of them. Everytime i try to make one crawl on me, it does it veeeery reluctantly or will avoid it at all costs.
Today was fine, i played a lot. My hopes on getting Kinich in genshin are very LOW wish me LUCK.I was at home just with my mom whole day so its pretty peaceful. I went to city house and took some of my stuff to this other house we have, since i live there mostly. A flat where i always used to stay is now often visited by my uncle who threatened to do smth bad to me. And he had 12+ years prison sentence so i have reasons to be worried, but its not as bad as it sounds here, he probably wouldnt dare so dw. On friday i had a long walk and my legs were absolutely dead by evening. Tomorrow i have study stuff to complete, im already mentally preparing myself to work...
I uploaded a new vid on YT with my lovely insects and i noticed that i usually find same types of spiders in house. Few pics below and a vid plspls watch its short! Ah and there was already very cold in morning, the grass was covered in frost.
Hope u r doing okay, goodnight :)



18/09/24
Today was good. I was free almost the whole dayyy! I didnt do much important things tho, but i helped mom with cooking, i went to p.e class early in the morning, i played genshin again and i cant get Kinich(i need him badly).Rn im extremely tired, i'll fall asleep in a minute. Tonight's dream was about a monster high Lagoona Blue doll i found in a trash. How peculiar. Monster High dolls look much cheaper these days in my opinion.
No spiders were found today, too bad!! Wish me some in my dreams. Goodnight stay safe.

17/09/24
Today was fine. I neglected my english hw and now i feel anxious because my essay is shit its not good enough but i sent it anyway. I slept a lot during evening, mom said i was laughing while sleeping. I remember that in my dream there was a stupid slideshow and it was somehow funny. I skipped my classes on 16/09 to celebrate my father's birthday. Guests weren't annoying at all, it wasnt a bad day. Now i dont really wanna talk with anyone i just want listen to music and play.
Dude left WHAT I GOT AS HATE COMMENT under my vid with translation of a song from eng into russian, and me, as a person who hates arguements, just HAD to respond. Now i feel calm after responding.

15/09/24
I started a real diary in an ACTUAL BOOK on 20.08.24. But yet i can share just a few pages from there, i hope my handwriting isnt TOO BAD, and maybe itll be more interesting for you to see something...real?not just typed letters?..And there are also some drawings, the one with spiders i find silly its simple but i love simple. If photos arent visible then maybe try to refresh the page. And i have a feature with which you can click on pic and itll open in better quality ig. On last pic theres a tiny piece of something on russian, so dw if u dont understand or otherwise surprisingly itll be the only thing you understand. Some people commented on my tutorial on roblox game, idk dude this feeling is absolutely the best, when you know that someone found your vid helpful.I jusOVE games with multiple endings/some puzzle games on roblox. This one is perfect, not too hard (is it hard at all?), not too easy since it takes time to find all stuff to get all badges. Here's my silly tutorial just in case https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B19PUhLeI-o&t=2s
Goodnight/goodmorning for now!!!



12/09/24
Its been almost 2 weeks since i started my 2nd year of university:) But just for now i wont talk much about daily routine, i get it enough, i wanna share some thoughts about a person i cherish the most. And umm its strange how there isnt much about them there, but yet its a person i appreciate the most. I think i started liking giving gifts, more than receiving them, i stopped being so centered on bad habits(and i stopped smoking yayyy), i really think im a better person when im with them. I use "them" cause idk if theyll be ok with sharing their gender here, so yeah, its 1 person, i just use gender neutral pronoun for anyone confusedXD. We played roblox together, its my life source, i drew full art with sus freaky moment from "doors". They dont want to play again tho...Weeelll we'll seeeee maybe oneeee dayyy??? I want to stay stable for them and live a happy life together.
Ok i also experimented with art, i like to draw without bold lineart yk. Its what i actually enjoy.I keep seeing many many spiders, i shared how much i love them on english lesson when we had to introduce eachother, i think its a great first impression.


30/08/24
Should i say yes?

Aaaaand yes im back again i dunno for long or nope, sooo...trip to other city went pretty good, flights went calm, im back at home playing roblox and enjoying last few days before uni

13/08/24
God let me sleep peacefully, I'm planning to go for a looooong walk in this another city im staying in. I need time to go a biiiit faster, and it's easy to do when you're busy, so walk is a solution. I'm feeling funny this evening. I was watching tv but time to time i could remember good moments and giggled from them I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF I FEEL FUNNY AGAIN i like when I'm happy like that. Currently in bed, going to sleep. Goodnight, stay safe!

12/08/24
Im accidentally time to time back to my issues, i got a swollen bruise near my knee, now if i wear shorts everyone point it out. Also + 3 round scratches(they're round because they were made by pressing fingers hard and then scratching i dont remember how exactly but they're ROUND somehow). Im calm now, chilling at hotel room. I wanna go home and play games, but im still enjoying my time there as much as i can. Yesterday was really nice because we swam on a motorboat, and today is just boring. There was a hard thunderstorm at night, i heard it time to time but it's difficult to wake me up at night. In morning my cousin wakes me up too easily tho, he annoys me. Still love him.

06/08/24
In my dream a friend texted me from another acc where nickname contained 4 letters(not starting with M attention!!!!), she texted "please eat something". And in my dream i thought, WOW she found my new neocities! I dont know what else i felt, excited but i dont know if in a good way or no

05/08/24
I was asleep for 20+ hours, finally awake. Dreams were nice, i dont regret the time i spent.
NOW A BIGGER SPIDER LIVES IN A SPOT SMALL SPIDER LIVED. WHERE DO THEY COME FROM. also another bigger one rests on a wall. It havent moved at all for 24 hours.


04/08/24
OKAY WAIT BEFORE EVERYTHING LOOK HOW CREEPY MY GO BACK BUTTON IN END OF PAGE LOOKS ITS JUST A BROKEN CODE NOW its like its like theres no going back now. ok im calm, now you can continue reading ill fix it one day this time i know how XD.
I have a new spider friend,it has a web right between my window and desk. It's veeeery small, so i probably wont take a photo of it,its like a dust piece u can hardly see legs T-T. Its been here for about a week i think, i wonder when it'll go search for a better place to stay, i dont think any insects visit this area.But its still a nice company yk. I suddenly miss village, miss university and i want to go outside. I drew something during a night, need to add more details and after i'll show it here. Time to time miss my old friends, maybe you if youre reading this. Hopefully everyone's doing alright, i dont regret fun times. I think its important to go back and try my best not to make any mistakes from now on. ill make it work this time. ill never regret new memories we're making together.
In a few days i'll have a flight to another city, i never travelled by plane in my life. I wonder how many fun stories i'll bring to my website after that. And i already miss 2/08, i liked water park and all atmosphere of that day. It was warm outside on a way back from water park and we stopped by a shop to buy food(aka more than 10 bottles of alcochol). When it was time to go back to car, it started raining HARD, people were standing and waiting for it to stop. Tho me and parents ran to car laughing, we were all wet.
No, really, i think its my manic episode or something i have too much energy and i want to tell you everything, probably its an effect of pelmeni i ate after not eating for a day. i hate writing russian food names on english. Just looked outside at street, soon playgrounds will be flooded with children, rn its 8 am and no people outside.

02/08/24
Played with a friend finally. Im itching to play with someone else too, but its all awkward for me at first and im shy to play multiplayer games time to time sooooooo...One day ill get over it again.Oh and today was a very nice day, i went to water park, it was really fun and i laughed like a kid. Fun fact about me: i still cant swim. Second photo is Keaya being a bird stuck in textures, enjoy!


31/07/24
SIKE
Some media will be lost sadly...i CAN recover few photos tho. During a month i had so many events i wanted to write about, but couldn't. So now i have a possibility again. I dont know what catches me that much about neocities, i could post my thoughts on any other platforms, you name them, but something about this exact one feels like home. There's a comfortable amount of attention i need, im not watching how many people liked my posts, how they reacted, the possibility of getting a hater here is low, so i love it here.
I started to play genshin impact again... Thats all for now, i cant fall asleep earlier than at 7am, which means i live life to the fullest T-T. Stay safe thnx for reading!

1/07/24
there'll be no more updates,stay safe be nice. All that IN FACT STILL IS important after all

08/06/24(but evening)
youtube doesnt let me upload cat's burial. after i eat I'll insert link here and will share some thoughts,will upload somewhere not on yt then somewhere else
(1 hour later) https://youtube.com/shorts/r6ffTuV7U3E?si=vROB_hBLDKAjZQwy, blurred whole vid but in beginning and end you can see enough. Had to mute everything or youd hear my DRUNKAGAIN mom's cries. I didnt feel like crying but i felt nauseous after seeing this, weird. I also took some more pictures of forest and lake. My friend suggested to dig cat out and see it myself but this idea instantly left my mind today.I start questioning my 23/05/24 drawing,may delete later i dont know anymore. I promised to go sleep earlier but i cant.
I found a small spider in bathroom, yayyyy..

08/06/24
My mom keeps crying over cat every single day, she suggested to go to a place where they buried a cat, but i refused cause she was drunk asf. Also i scared her with that their flowers on burial may attract attention of not very good people who can even dig cat out just to see if there are "pills" or whatever, if you get what i mean. Im sad too tbh.
Neutral news: i found a spider by spitting on its web. It crawled out to check what heppened and never came back T-T. Its either after me now and i really offended it, or spider guy was bullied enough and facing another injustice made it overthink its whole meaning of life. Later I threw a freshly killed mosquito on its web as an apology...I hope it'll come back...
And some drawings. Dude called Infected from regretevator lost his cat too, so thats why hes here.Oh and i like mold


04/06/24
my cat died today:(.

01/06/24
Woah its summer!!!:D Its warm outside so i spent some time there, and today was definitely better than OK, maybe even good. Helped parents most of time and played football with bro for a while. Something nice happened in a middle of day, im really glad everythings okay now. I also went for a walk to nearby forest yesterday, i found a spider,i still like em a lot :) Have a nice day!

27/05/24
not good. I dont feel safe at home and i dont feel safe outside, when i try to go out i keep thinking about bad things and + danger of being outside. while texting this my aunt is swearing again i hate being here i have nowhere else to go i acidentally hurt my arm i dont know how to wrap it i dont want to hear all that i need constant music or me humming something just not to listen others argue im not a child but nothing really changed, i hope one day ill live alone. i hate their voices so much i dont want to hear them talking at all

26/05/24
Today was greatttt :) I have one more week of uni lessons, and after it i only need to go there like once a week for exams. Ok ok back to what happened today, i was playing stardew valley like A LOT with my closest precious person, we have a lot to achieve but there are more games we started and not finished T-T. But yet every game i have a chance to play together fr brings joy if im not getting killed at worst moment.. I look forward to play also with mic, i hope my anxiety will politely let me. Content Warning is such a silly game, i'll add screenshots or smth later. So yess im feeling good finally, thanks to the person who finds time and want to play with me, cause i dont think i can get tired of it. Thats all gn eep well!

23/05/24
Yesterday was no good!!!! today im just sad. I wrote a HUGE vent entry here, but deleted it cause im embarrassed T-T. Here's a drawing, omg on real paper not a digital art!!
I have nothing more to say, till next time!XD


17/05/24
Vent, the beginning
I really can't sleep so i need to share my thoughts anywhere. Tomorrow, in like about 10 hours from now I'll have Latin test, im not quite ready, I'm not quite ready for English lesson too so im nervous. I've been having thoughts about how much of a loner i am in society, how i suck at socialising. It's good only with people i already know and when i rarely act on impulse like i luckily did on first day at uni when we met future classmates. If not that, I'd never speak with anyone there. I feel like people don't understand how shy i am. When someone i know but not really close jokes about me, or just unexpectedly acts friendly, i feel like it's wrong, like I'D NEVER DO THAT on your place. I wrote somewhere in diary about it already, it was an example with tea party, i guess. If it's here. Im not sure and i wont check. I always want to blame someone for my shyness or whatever it is called, but there's no one to blame other than me. My first thought is always to blame parents cause there are many issues with them, but it was my choice to grow this way, so yeah still my fault. I try not to think bad about parents in any case, im just grateful they're paying for my education, I don't need much moreee. And we rarely see eachother too, so it's fine.
Vent, the end
If you skipped vent part god bless you. Ok to some general news, i caught a spider few days ago in flat, and my spiders obsession came back i love spiders. I'll upload pic later, maybe tomorrow after uni i dunno yet. Also 2 of 2 people said that tonnels/plugs look terrible. Well, it didn't stop me, cause i already started stretching my ears and got these comments when people already knew that i bought everything for it and started. Now that I'm thinking about it, it wasn't very nice from em but okay. It will start getting difficult to do since i hurt left ear(got too excited), i just need to reach atleast 6-8mm milestone to buy plugs made of good material. Shit im stretching with now will make my holes rot sooner or later.
About pets...no dead pets! That's great everyones alive.
Im trying to sleep more, but once again i have to wake up in 4 hours. I skipped lessons not long ago cause i kept fainting, i couldn't walk out of house. If i say "not long ago" it means i keep having bad memory B)
Also two people misgendered me irl this month. All shit happens during bus rides!!! I never thought I'd get misgendered. I have no positive and negative thoughts about it, it's just funny. I mean, they don't understand my assigned at birth gender. It's not like im a quicky person who thinks of themselves as a "flowerkittenrat whatever really" but people see them as "female" HOW THEY REALLY ARE FROM ALL LOOKS instead.

That's all, goodnight friends stay safe and I'll try too :)

13/04/24
Happy 413 !!!Thats all i wanted to say:)

08/04/24
i got a small surgery but it's painful af, only meds help for an hour or two(which is still good).I won't attend university for a week, and its not good news for me since i worry about every minor change, and my brain is full of thoughts about how bad that im skipping classes is, EVEN that i have a reason to.I can't walk properly, it's day 1 but i already hate it. Hope tomorrow it won't hurt. Also, i love FPE:S game on Roblox and i kinda checked what's the fandom game is based about (yep well checked so deeply that im playing games about it, and i made a fanart, will upload later maybe but it's already in my Pinterest).I love how in roblox there are people speaking English, and then it turns out that all of them are RUSSIANS.i like multiplayer games for these short stupid interactions like rotate on a single place with some random player, or turn a flashlight on and off multiple times. Silly but it's fun.

07/04/24
Some pictures! In first i painted a beer bottle cap which still smells like beer. I made a huge mess, my trousers are yellow my hand is black and white and table is more colourful now too. And theres also a 5cm guy with a smallest screwdriver :) Last picture's only description is NPC's name. Life is alright, i stopped falling asleep only by 4 am, now im sleeping before 2am! woah! I started wearing my pendant or necklace idk how to call it better, the one with a spider in resin, i havent done it in a long time. Last time i did it was a year ago at school maybe...
...MY MEMORY DIDNT LIE!!! I CHECKED AND AND AND on 02/06/23 date i wrote about my classmates reaction to spider(the next is a quote from diary):"So now i can wear it like a pendant or something.I did it once and i liked my classmate's comment: -(myname),I understand you're a creative person or something, but it looks scary af."
So yes, im doing that again.


30/03/24
Millipedes are dead too, you didnt even get a chance to see them while still alive:( But as a questionable compensation, here's a pic of all insects in resin i have(but now+fish which died not long ago and probably millipedes soon)


24/03/24
Roblox Egg Hunt 2024 Roblox Egg Hunt 2024 Roblox Egg Hunt 2024 Roblox Egg Hunt 2024 Roblox Egg Hunt 2024 Roblox Egg Hunt 2024 thats all i do last days
i just noticed that it costs 1000 robux to change username :( Ok i guess i'll stay as Reenah17 forever!!!!!!!
im sick and i need to ride one hour to university for only one classss i hate it i no no wannaaaaaa IMM NOT READY TO START NEW WEEK PLS PLS noooo

18/03/24
face rev


16/03/24
40.800 views or something. Havent posted for a whole month. Felt happy and not really at times. Actually decided to write smth here again after thegibusguy commented "The way you draw stuff is like a little window to your soul" - you guess very very right, cause last drawing is an exact ATTEMPT to reflect whats going on in my head last days. Being drunk kinda often and i got rid of aquarium fish i had, but i still saved their bodies, im planning on making epoxy resin things with them. Arguments with parents lead to very not good thoughts, me and my friend discussed it and i guess it helped. I dont want thoughts to lead me to future actions, i dont want to be a bad person, but the fact that i may like it-I DONT, i need to stop thinking this way.Pets are never guilty, they dont deserve to suffer :(. Maybe later i'll upload pics. On art i tried to make a blank look, like soulless, empty, without much empathy. I really wish i could explain and make my art a TRUE REFLECTION OF WHAT I FEEL not cringy art as i see it. So thanks friend ur comment means a lot!
Yesterday i went for a walk with uni friend, i dont feel lonely. We chatted a little this morning too. I have an irl person with who i can be veryyyy close to be honest! We ate pizza, i showed her anime shop, she keeps rambling about her fucked up boyfriend and we have fun. So, yep, something bad happens but good things too. Its never too bad so everythings fine

26/02/24
40.000 views oh my god. Sometimes im curious about how many people who i know personally or knew in past may still look at my diary. I even posted a link in telegram bio, and probably all my classmates could see it, but was anyone curious about whats behind the link? I'll never know.
Ok few words about Spanish classes which i was waiting for so dearly. The teacher is a woman who is from South America, our classes are really fun, it was hard to adjust to her speaking Russian/English/Spanish from time to time XD. Her Russian isnt as bad as we thought, so its not a problem, i understand everything.
Im almost out of lonely days! Since i found a friend on P.E. class too, now everyday i have a friend to talk with. I dont remember if i mentioned, but i dont have friends in a group which im assigned to, so i dont speak a word on uhhh...4 lessons. Other are fine cause we mix groups and work together. This morning was pretty nice, me and my friend came to uni early and sat on a bench on the 12th floor, talking about life in general. Both extremely sleepy, i slept for 1 hour lmao. I'm thinking of sharing this diary with someone from uni or atleast just quickly show it to prove that im not an empty person who does nothing.
I felt happy this morning, its starting to get brighter outside! I really miss warm weather, im tired of wearing a large coat.
I started playing brawl stars again after a very long rest, and still regretevator sometimes.
All for now, thanks for reading :)

14/02/24
My head hurts and im tired, i'll write something here tomorrow. I like my first Spanish lesson, and im tired. Also did i mention that im tired? If not then im tired, just in case. Tired a lil bit.

13/02/24
Tomorrow is my first Spanish lesson. I wanted to come prepared, but im too lazy to prepare. I chose to spend 1-2 hours having a bath over preparing. Today was my second studying day after a big almost 2 months break. Feeling good, probably tomorrow will be a long, but not a bad day.
My aunt suddenly took a trip to Moscow and all my family members except mom are silent about it, like if i shouldnt know. I prefer not to talk about my family here, but the fact that they always keep something away from me makes me want to do the same. It just really pisses me off. And the first thing mom said when noticed that im not looking happy, was to say "are you jealous that she went to other city huh". Actually the problem is deeper, but this part is enough for the diary, i know the rest myself.
In spite of what news i got about aunt, days when i posted *nothing* were wonderful XD. Ok, no, wonderful not because forgetting about diary at all, but because my relationship with one person and the activities we do together. I got a gift from them which is the sweetest kindest thing i received, gifts which you can touch are just different in a good way.
Ig thats all, i will try to update page sooner XD, byeee!

09/02/24
I woke up at 8:30 am , till 12 i had an online meeting conducted by my university's linguistics department, i tried to take some notes because later we'll write an essay about it. And at about 1-2pm i fell asleep. Till 6 pm. I felt too cozy and had some dreams. In first there was a cool push-button phone that could be attached to my hand, maybe just for fun i'll make a sketch of it because i remember it too bright and i loved it. It's screen showed some colourful games, like a lot, i was so excited about playing them. Ig in my dream smartphones didn't exist.
Its getting cold here again, almost -20 outside.I can't say that im proud about today, i slept too much. I dont know what to make myself busy with last days before uni, maybe i'll try to draw more. i want to repeat drunk day with a friend but im not in a city rn and me being drunk = sleepy :[. I'll probably be proud later of how much i update diary last days!
Ah also i was thinking that i really dont believe in all space/cosmos stuff, i need a close astronaut friend to convince me in that it exists, or see it myself. These video footages won't prove anything to me!! Also i hated how on astronomy lessons teacher couldnt even explain what stars are, like, planets or what. They always use terms and dont explain meanings i hate it

08/02/24
Showed my friend a roblox game that i made, took like two days for me to understand anything in roblox studio,but ok it was atleast fun, i love when structures fall into pieces when i forget to anchor them. Nothing else happened that day.

07/02/24
Hello everyone, i want some instant noodles. After so much text on yesterday date, here's some space with pics. Me and me, me and cats...And a silly sketch of future art, hopefully i'll finish this one. I will change face expression ofc its just..expressive


06/02/24
Quick update because im very very sleepy it's very late! I went for a walk with my friend,we got beer, i convinced her to drink too even tho she struggled because she used to drink 5 days in a row. Applause. Then we walked very very far to the city centre. it was fun how we were approaching a shop and i was like "UHH I'M SURE IT'S (insert name of shop here) IM SURE IT IS THAT EXACT SHOP I KNOW IT!" and when we walked closer..."ehh looks nothing like that shop, right?" and she laughed. Some nice activities like kicking snow under your friend's feet to annoy them, tapping their arm once in a while. nice walk. But evening was even better, i chatted with internet friends (uh here's a problem,i mean two of them but not sure if they want to be mentioned, so LK and B it's obvious for both of u lol). And my beloved person and me will draw together in app sooooon im excited why wouldn't they ask for it earlier. and and their drawings make me smile, they're a great artist and person i swear they make my day.
At night after saying goodbye to everyone i started overthinking and it lead me to enter dialogue with some guy from past. not because i miss them, but because i feel rather uneasy about all the information i shared with someone so false. I don't know, i thought I'll feel better if i change few things, which I deleted some last messages and rewrote one of them with "you should be embarrassed thank you for leaving ". OKAY may be a bit too dramatic but if it's something that let me feel better for some time then that's what I'm doing. Late night thoughts, let's hope i wont think too much about it tomorrow. Sorry if there are any grammar mistakes, I'll change this date if i notice something's wrong.
Thank YOU for reading, life does feel good today!!

02/02/24
I combined two things i wanted to do: 1st to draw something yummy after seeing all those food drawing tutorials, and 2nd is to draw especially Bive cause shes my fav character from regretevator and yes this wont let me sleep next few weeks. So ye here it is. Its 2pm, maybe i'll update smth else later!


01/02/24
1/11/22: Now,I'm going to learn some jurisprudence sh/t for helping guilty people in future. 1/02/24: LOL you study linguistics in uni now, silly!
This day was decent, nothing special. Playing more stardew valley again, havent played in a long time. I scared my cat with firecrackers today, he was looking outside through window and then BOOOOOOOOOOOM and he ran to second floor. When i came home he was all fluffy and scared XD

31/01/24
Just a usual day. I ate pizza which i cooked myself, wow. uUhhh nothing much elsee. I started wearing pins on my messenger bag, i like how it looks so far. Im not used to expressing myself in clothes, so this is a liiiittle start trying to get more confident about my interests and, well, my look. Once i had a conversation with adult who told me about his shirts with funny quotes he wears on a daily basis. He had bad interactions with people because of the quotes, but still wears shirts with them XD. Cool adult, i wish i was the same!

30/01/24
OKAY as u see i changed diary section design because before it had troubles with words wrap and to upload new date i had to take much time to make text fit the size of container to be visible. Maybe now page doesnt look as good as before but i can freely write whatever i want without extra time for useless things!:) Or, actually, just maybe page is better now cause u can just scroll down and down and down without scroll bar and like uhh see all text on a page..IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN OK BUT FOR ME SEEMS BETTER.
I visited my friend yesterday, we played roblox, i explained regretevator characters lore, my friend likes Split the most. My friend found a bf what it seems, in their bts roleplay shit (SCREAMING) and he said he's smoking BEFORE i came to friends house and three hours later he was smoking TOO. bros lungs are dead. This bf is most likely a girl 14 y.o or about it, because they dont wanna share irl personalities and rp as bts members. Crazy shit. I'll laugh when i find out how everything is. No offend but YE A LITTLE OFFEND because its nsfw rp and everything i can not to cringe just thinkinh about it. AHAH ALSO, this bf texted my friend :"cutie, are you still with a friend of yours?". On eng it doesnt sound that sweet but on russian its teeth rotting sweetness its just so funny i cant.
On spacehey i found a thingy called secret messages and secret drawings or smth, and last days me and a dude i love share very much drawings there. I'll add some of them here!


17/01/24
I just want to share some thoughts, im not feeling sad or anything. I dont know how to be friendly in real life. I got used to have a constant fear of people in my head and it makes me get into any social interections with always a thought that these people may be not happy to see me around or even ready to make fun of me when they just get a chance to do so, or just simply hate me. i skipped last tea party i had in university because i felt very anxious to play games like mafia with others. I dont feel like i can even act like im enjoying game because its all connected with people around me, id have to interact, and they surely dont like my presence. I thought But when i packed everything and lied my teacher that my mom gets me back home earlier for a dinner or some boring shit, my classmates became very friendly?..They almost all said goodbye to ONLY ME with smiles on their faces. But it feels very very very wrong, because we dont talk usually at all and here you all are just smiling. This situation doesnt change the fact that people can really be mean to you and unfriendly tho, but i really need to learn how to be in a positive mood about others. Because i see them like a threat. On the internet its easy to chat with others, when someone texts me first its even more surprising. I like and love people here, theres no problem with that. At about uhhh 7th grade i was already making my research on what misanthropy even is, but i remember it like i was searching "hows a person who hates other people called" because i thought that i feel exactly that. Doesnt have much difference anyway. I just know that i had that fear since early age, THO i dont hate people and cant even say that i ever had a very terrible experience with someone so it affected, no. Nothing too bad, no trauma. I probably was trying to understand what i feel, even now i may be mistaking what i feel, maybe its not a fear of people how i call it here. I dont want to call it social phobia, i CAN interact, i CAN ask cashier extra stuff if i need i dont feel too shy or nervous. I just wish i could take things easier yk, i just want to have friends and hang out without feeling like its a prize i got for much effort of not acting how i usually do, i really wish i could find someone who i could be honest with in real life too. Its just weird seeing others easily talking together. When i speak first it looks like a person is uncomfortable, im not a weirdo i dont just approach a person randomly and stare at them, i dont know, i do everything that others do. Okay, in kindergarten i had trouble communicating too, i had two close friends of opposite gender, but anyway most of times i was drawing alone and kindergarten teacher would try make me play with others. Every time same scenario, i stand near this group teacher lead me too, and then i go sit and draw alone again. I need to analyze my behaviour in early ages more later, i dont think mentioning a little part here will do anything but ok. I just never felt comfortable with people, at same time i want to have tons of friends who'll accept me, and to be left alone somewhere quiet without any soul other than my own. I didnt mean to make all this text about my lack of friends, its not really about that, im glad and happy with what i have now, just world around me, city, those random people im not close with scare me. I want to be more positive even alone.And after all i said, imagine, what happens in my head when someone i trusted a lot betrays me or says smth mean. Ok im done for today, thanks!

08/11/23
Guess who finally found time to upload new art?U know the answer. Online friends help me dealing with loneliness, i dont feel like i can thank them enough so i like to make small drawings, only rarely i finish them and let people see. Last days were nice, start of the week is always more relaxing for me, on Thursdays im dead.

21/10/23
GOOD NEWS!for me lol not long ago i bought millipedes, they're like my children and meaning of my life now.Theyre so little yet and on cucumber dietXDD(person who i bought them from said they only ate cucumbers and they're ok with that) maybe later i'll attach little photo there :) (also im going crazy i dont understand why link to 3.07.23 leads to this date ^^

20/10/23
A bit of vent just because i feel like i want to share some thoughts rn.NOO IM NOT DYING OR ANYTHING and i dont feel sad,just want to leave it somewhereeee okkkkk. So,sometimes i realize that irl i dont have much connections and talking in general.At home im mostly without parents, with other relatives i hardly ever talk,just share few words and thats all(probably relatable to some people haha).So i can count it as that i dont talk much when im at home.Then when and where i talk??? At university.I have one good friend, but even she has closer friends than me, so i feel like im loosing her more and more every day.With other uni guys i didnt find much matching interests(i ACTUALLY DIDNT MEET ANYONE WHO SHARES ANY FANDOMS I LIKE,only a lot of art dudes). Person who i call my best irl friend never suggests me to go somewhere together, im usually the one who asks for it.And one thing hurt me few days ago, is that when we decided to go home after uni together, my friend kept talking with her other new uni friends, after some time she even asked why th i keep annoying her by my presence. And it all leads to the fact that im getting too attached to online friends.Some of them are su1c1dal and i dont know how to explain that i truly care for them, theyre most important people for me even if i didnt see their faces. But at least they give me some complany and convince me that im not lonely. And i know what to do to get more irl friends, to get actual talking, but im just... i think i got used to how i live???And i honestly dont meet anyone who i want so much to be a friend with,maybe i judge people a lot, maybe its about my trust issues idk. Now that i said all that i WONT give my neocities acc to any same uni student XDDDD idk might delete later,i just wanted to take it of my chest in fact its written on 21st of October, i just wanted to seperate depressing post and a post with good news :))

09/06/23
ngl,feel awkward when neighbours see me shooting.It happened again(

06/06/23
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWLQKX9bX6UWent for a walk today.That's all, i want to sleep

02/06/23
HELLOOO I MISSED POSTING HERE SO MUCH. Okay, i changed some features here, now it's easier to navigate,i added dates and links for each day. I didn't know that i have so many days here already XD Sooo..School was killing me last weeks, so it's kinda the reason why i was here so so rarely. I look forward to post more this summer, so stay around.I had a thought of returning the dreams page, to write down my dreams again but i'm not sure.I had fun time sharing some of my dreams with others who are not here on neocities, so it gave me some motivation.But yeah, those who i was sharing with i'm not talking to anymore, so i'm coming back here, talking to myself, and hoping that maybeee someone else has interest to read it too :D For now i have 7 spiders in epoxy resin, one of them is surprisingly big for area i live in, i found it just randomly.It lived for about two months (ITRIEDMYBESTTOKEEPITALIVE) but as always, it died.So now i can wear it like a pendant or something.I did it once and i liked my classmate's comment: -(myname),I understand you're a creative person or something, but it looks scary af. And then classmate asked how much more i have, i felt actually great with others asking me things about what i like. Also..I don't remember if i ever mentioned it somewhere before, but i like shooting, and now i also have a gun omggg. Only this thing keeps me in countryside house and not at city. And one more thing to guess my age is that i finally ended school this year and i'll have to go through all those exams soon.I feel surprisingly calm about all of it anyway, so it's not a big deal. Thanks for reading if someone read it all. Stay safe :))

15/04/23
That's me.1000%.

21/03/23
Found this in some txt files...it was in "pets corner" before: In march i had an idea to buy or find a new pet.But i don't have much money and i can easily forget that i have something to care of :DD.At first i wanted to buy a rat(CAUSE,GUYS,THEY ARE SO COOL NGL).But after i saw how active they are,i understood that theywon't be so happy living with me.I like to just have something and don't care about it much.So, i started to search the internet for something exotic and calm.And here i found out about stick insects! I bought 3 insects and they're still alive(wow).I tried to give them funny names, but they were too much similar first months,so i couldn't remember who is who.But the one was really different.He had just four legs,because two more broke because something scared him :( As time flew by,he grew two legs back.He is the smallest one in my stick insects family.There are also the biggest one(and the most obedient), and middle one(he's just basic). --------- They all died btw :))

10/03/23
02:37 am lol: I'm so attached to internet rn. i understand that i have no one who cares about me irl, and yes i love my internet friends, so much, but.. u know, why there's no one around me when I need support in real life? when i want to hang out or smth? I'm trying to make myself look like interesting person with some goals in life, but no one cares actually B) "love" those night thoughts, they won't let me sleep >:((( Okay, to not leave this day as a depressed one, I'll tell something else ig.i have an idea to post some of my screenshots from roblox to a shitposting page, because what else is more likely shitpost than it,lol.And some new nice artworks i have for an art page.i kinda love them really,most were made for my friends.(it may seem like i have a lot,but nah, actually 1-2 friends if they're even replying.) so yeah, there would be updates soon, but for now i just felt like writing something here. Like, c'mon, it's called diary page, so i can text whatever i want :DD. Going to sleep now and dying on lessons because I'll be sooooo sleepy!! :))

14/02/23
Happy Valentine's day everyone^^

23/01/23
That was a nice day.But the evening wasn't that good, ehhhh... Gotta change some things in my life as soon as possible :v

19/01/23
Had the most number of hits yesterday ,whyyy I haven't updated my website for a while '-'

30/12/22
I need to change my art style I need to change my art style I need to change my art style I need to change my art style I need to change my art style If i even have one,lmao

29/12/22
Hmmm that's New Year soon, and it's my own business to buy a present for myself, or i won't get one D:. I'm kinda lazy now,but soon I'll update shitpost page, and there would appear some memes or other internet stuff, idk. Sad news!!:All stick-insects are dead.And I'm saving one of them for putting it into epoxy resign. Poor guys, i loved all three of them so much:( But life sucks so... And i guess my fish are going to die soon too, they all kinda look ill, but I'm not very sad, cause if I'm lucky, then I'll found them dead before they rot somewhere in a fish tank. Not mentioning all these things, I've started to feel quite happy lately,life is getting brighter.

15/12/22
I just remembered, that in summer i could hear trains before falling asleep.Now it's winter and windows are always closed, so I can't really identify any sounds. Maybe it still is, but really really quiet.And there was also a bird(??) or something that made creaking sound which I don't know how to describe. It was much alike sound of an old swing.A creepy thing about it, is that this sound happened at night, never in the daytime.

13/12/22
I feel sick, so no big updates for a while.Stay healthy!!:p (Actually, forget about it, I'm still writing stuff here,lol)

04/12/22
Really nice day.Went for a walk with my friend, we ate in a restaurant.I don't visit restaurants much so i love to do it sometimes. My crazy question to CaptainHowdy in Tumblr is declined i guess, but i do understand why,so it's not much of a problem.I just choose strange ways to find friends, the question was smth about it) So if u are here for some reason and want to talk,anyone really, u can write to me in any social media,i will never bite :). One more stupid thing about today.I bought funny-looking plushie which u can check on my Pinterest. That was an impulsive action to buy it, but i like to make stupid decisions,so yeah. And i got rid of my dreams html file for a while,i just don't have enough motivation to write about my dreams now.May recreate it later.May not.Idk either. Good night!! Or, well, it's day for u maybe..

03/12/22
I truly think this is funny how filter recognised one more person behind Neil-- And i also send it to Neil himself, I'm brave as f/ck B) (BTW I'm going to maybe create one more html file just for uploading my dead animals which most are resting in epoxy resign)


1/12/22
10k views.Wow. And one more dead pet,yellow ternetiya fish this time.

30/11/22
Adopt-shops keep not accepting my adopts. I'm slowly going insane, i tried to draw smth looking good five times, and it's still not good enough for them :l. I want to buy a spider so bad.Like yeah real one, i want SO BAAAD... There is only one seller quite far away from me in the city, so it's quite complicated. I guess my only way is to talk with parents about it(so they could drive me here)but they still laugh about it and nothing more.I feel like a very very young child now.

01/11/22
There weren't any updates for a while, i apologise :(.Hmm, what's new in my life..Well,i finally cut my hair in october,now it's short.I had mallet for a while,but my hair is quite fluffy and thick and it's very complicated to go without ponytail or anything like that with medium length hair. For a period of time in summer 2021 (when i was going threw my tomboy arc) i had very short hair,and i really loved it,but i'm too lazy to go to the hairdresser every 2-3 months. I tried to shoot some birds outside, it didn't went well.Earlier i shoot rats and it was quite fun,but there aren't any rats anymore( I made a ring with that orange mushroom i found in woods,maybe it's going to slowly rot in an epoxy resin.. And one more interesting thing is that i found my catfish's bone in a fish tank. I thought that fish was alive..I should better look after my pets haha.. Ok,i guess it's all for now. Now,I'm going to learn some jurisprudence sh/t for helping guilty people in future. Byeee!!!

05/10/22
how to talk to people

19/09/22
Hiii!!! I feel okay, just came from a walk. I love to go outside when it's late, i guess it's my favourite time of day. There aren't any people and i feel like I'm just a ghost, who's wondering around.The weather was extremely cold a week before, but now it's better.I feel a bit sick,so maybe I'll skip some school lessons.My classmates and teachers won't care anyway. I'm thinking about creating a new page , where i will upload all of my dolls i had made. I'm so proud of how many people found them looking good, that made me love them more. Recently i took some pictures with me and dolls, and i found myself looking creepy with all these creations around,haha. Especially with my Gabriel (from mandela catalogue) plushie. He isn't the most positive character at all.I have some dreams to upload to the dreams section.I noticed that I can't remember much dreams when i have school tomorrow day. Otherwise i remember much more when it's weekend.Oh, also, i had found a white feather on another side of a window. I like to think about it ,like that is some kind of a sign from above. I googled that white feathers almost always mean good things in future.For now, that's all. Thank u for staying here, thanks every new follower for follow. I notice everyone. Good luck, byeeee <3

03/09/22
Hi!!!First school day this year was quite okay, not mentioning that i spent 8 hours at school. Really, it's easy to get used to school when you should be here for that long at FIRST DAY. I found a guy in telegram, who was interested in my rock-collection.But he doesn't answer me two days.Guess that's the end,haha.I want to make a meme animation so bad,but knowing how much time should i spend for this doesn't make me feel good.Maybe I'll make it one day.I tried a 'replay'function in picsart, and I really like it.It makes editing much easier. Thanks for reading it(if you did). I appreciate it.

03/08/22
I made some rings of epoxy resin, i'll try to upload them to my art place tomorrow.Well, i feel okay,everything is alright, i had some pretty interesting dreams.I'm trying to be very productive before school starts next month.On August 1 or 2 i tried to reanimate a bird, which my cat bited.But it was a stupid desicion to believe that the bird could be alive, cause its ribs were able to be seen. And he lost some blood before i came.Eh... Well, i buried it and cut off one wing. Idk why,i just like how they look like.I'll put it somewhere as a weird decoration element and a reminder of my stupid actions.

29/07/22
Want to cut my hair so badly T-T. I've got a friend,who has the same haircut for her whole life, i would never be able to understand how. I often want to change something.

26/07/22
I was making a clown boy all day.There are still things i could make better, but maaan,i love the result so much!!!His head, feet and hands made of clay, and the other of cloths,not mentioning decoration elements. I also made one more complect of head,feet and hands for other one handmade doll.But i'll make it later, i'm tired of making that one. But it was worth it, i love him.I'll come up with a name soon.He looks pretty much mischievous and curious.

25/07/22
I took some nice pics today.When i was in a mall i saw a grown man. He was looking at a model of a town with a wide childish smile on his face.It looked kinda cute.

24/07/22
Made Nyon plush(from ranfren). You can check him and more plushies in my pinterest :).

22/07/22
Almost whole day i was working with that web site and watched others' web sites.It was a pretty chill day anyway, i did nothing exhausting.I have to get ready to my school exams and it's so fckng boring i've got better things to doooooo...Okay, i won't talk about school much, just gonna pull myself together and study some subjects someday.Better to do that as soon as possible...BORINGGGKGK. Okay, bye, i'm going to sleep for a while :)

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